


Trials and Tribulations

by shotgun



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Calthazar, M/M, Priest Castiel, Priest Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-01
Updated: 2013-11-01
Packaged: 2017-12-31 05:03:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1027555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shotgun/pseuds/shotgun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In second grade Castiel Novak met his best friend, and the love of his life. His teachings in religion lead him to become a priest, but what happens when he breaks the vows he took, and finds that his feelings aren't as unreciprocated as he thought? (Part of the Calthazar big bang)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trials and Tribulations

**Author's Note:**

> This fantastic art is by h4ppy_fun_b4ll on live journal or happyfunballxd on tumblr. Amazing artist.

**Trial and Tribulations**

Chapter 1

 

It was Castiel’s first day of second grade, and where it seemed that everyone knew each other he was starting at a new school, and nobody really wanted to talk to him. A couple of kids had approached him so far, but the conversations hadn’t gotten very far.

“Hi, You’re new! What’s your name,” was the general starter.

“Castiel,” the little boy would answer happily to which the kids would wrinkle their nose.

“That’s a weird name.”

“I’m named after an angel of The Lord.”

“That’s weird,” they would say, and give Castiel a funny look before walking away.

It probably didn’t help that he was dressed in black slacks, a white button up, and a blue tie. He was quickly noticing that the rest of the kids didn’t dress that way, wearing mostly jeans and t-shirts instead, but this was the way his parents always had him dress, not just for church like most others.

He sighed, and walked into his classroom, putting his backpack in his cubby, and slumping in his assigned seat. He’d hoped that he would have some friends here, but it seemed that he just wasn’t liked by the other kids. It’d been the same way at his last school. He really shouldn’t have expected much different.

“Hey.” A voice with a slightly different accent than Castiel was used to spoke next to him, and he looked up, eyes landing on the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. He had blond hair, and blue eyes, a tiny smile playing on his lips as he stared down at Castiel.

“H-hello,” Castiel stuttered, completely caught off guard by how  _beautiful_ this boy was.

The other boy dropped into the seat next to Castiel. “What’s your name?”

Castiel sighed, knowing that once he answered that the boy would walk away. “Castiel.”

A grin spread across the boy’s face, and Castiel’s heart kicked up a bit. “You have a weird name too,” he said happily, “Mine’s Balthazar.”

Castiel tilted his head to the side curiously. “Balthazar? I like that. It’s nice to meet you Balthazar.”

The most beautiful laugh Castiel had ever heard escaped Balthazar’s lips, and Castiel’s heart melted. “You’re weird,” he said, “It’s nice to meet you too though.”

They spent the day together, sitting together at their desks, and on the carpet when they had reading time. At lunch Balthazar told Castiel that he was from Britain, and explained what it was like there to him, and at recess they played together, ignoring everyone else.

After school they sat on the bus together. When they got to their stop (Castiel was pleased to find they only live a few blocks from each other) they walked together, stopping when they needed to go separate ways. Balthazar caught Castiel off guard by pulling him into a hug, and kissing his cheek, telling him he couldn’t wait to see him the next day.

Castiel headed back to his own house, a little bounce in his step, cheeks slightly flushed, one tingling from his new friend’s kiss.

When Castiel got home he did his homework right away, and went up  to his room to read the Bible. It was the only book his parents allowed him to read at home, but he was just glad that they’d upgraded to that instead of just the kid’s book.

At dinner he hurried downstairs to the set table, and climbed up into his chair between Anna and Gabriel. As he father said grace he bowed his head, mumbling, “Amen,” when it was appropriate before he started digging in.

“How was your first day, Castiel,” his mother asked, and he looked up.

“It was good,” he said happily. “I met a boy, and he was really, really nice, and thought I was funny, and I think he’s the most beautiful boy in the world!”

Castiel’s father gave him a disapproving look. “Boys are not beautiful, Castiel,” he said, “You’re only supposed to think that about girls.”

Anna sighed, and Gabriel just looked at his food while Castiel furrowed his brows in confusion. “But…Why?”

“Because that is God’s law,” their father said simply, and Castiel sighed, dropping his head.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“I want you to pray anytime you have thoughts like that about the boy,” his father said sternly, “And I want you to tell Father Zachariah on Sunday.”

Castiel just nodded guiltily. “Yes, sir.”

After that dinner was silent, Castiel mulling over his father’s words, trying to understand why it was so awful for him to find Balthazar beautiful. When he was done eating the boy was sent to his room, and he changed into his pajamas, climbing into bed sadly.

-

Castiel looked up when his door was opened, and blinked at his older sister, not used to her coming into his room at night. “Yes, Anna?”

The red head came over, and sat on Castiel’s bed, reaching out to stroke her fingers through his hair.

“Dad’s wrong, you know,” she said softly, “It’s okay for you to think the boy is beautiful.”

Castiel’s brows drew together in confusion. “But-“

“No,” Anna said, sternly, “I don’t want you to think there’s anything wrong with it. Dad’s not right about everything, you know.”

Castiel searched Anna’s eyes uncertainly.

“Come on. Why don’t you tell me everything about this boy?”

There was a moment’s hesitation, and then Castiel started in, going on to tell Anna everything that had happened between him and Balthazar that day, right down to the kiss on his cheek, and the way it made his skin tingle.

He fell asleep that night with a smile on his face, having promised Anna he wouldn’t tell his parents anything else about the way Balthazar made him feel, or that he was the boy he’d thought was beautiful. He didn’t care much. He’d get to see the beautiful boy the next day, and that was enough to have him in a good mood once more. 

 

Chapter 2

 

 

Despite the reassurance from both Anna and Gabriel it wasn’t until Castiel was in fifth grade that he realized that what he was feeling for Balthazar was a crush. He couldn’t help trying to deny it because it was wrong. His father said it was wrong, his mother said it was wrong, and Father Zachariah said it was wrong. It had to be.

 

When he finally noticed he nearly had a panic attack. It was on a day that Balthazar wasn’t there, and at recess Castiel was sitting by himself, sitting a book on the swings. He’d spent most of the day by himself, missing his best friend.

 

“Where’s your /boyfriend/,” a voice said tauntingly, and Castiel looked up to see Crowley with a smirk on his face.

 

Castiel tilted his head to the side, and blinked in confusion. “I’m afraid you’re mistaken. I don’t have a boyfriend.”

 

Crowley just raised a brow, and smirked. “Your little crush then? Is that better?”

 

Castiel’s brows drew together in more confusion and uncertainty.

 

“Balthazar, love.”

 

Castiel flinched initially at the use of the term ‘love’. It was something that Balthazar called him often, and he liked that though most people thought it was weird. Hearing it from Crowley though made him sick. And then the rest of it sunk in. Crush. The boy was saying that Castiel had a crush on his best friend.

 

“I…What? I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he stammered.  “I don’t have a crush on Balthazar. He’s a boy.”

 

Crowley just smirked, and walked away, apparently pleased with the panicked look on Castiel’s face.

 

By this point everyone at the school, or at least in Castiel’s grade, was aware of the fact that his parents were extremely religious, so when Crowley said that he surely knew exactly what he was doing. There was a part of Castiel that logically knew this, but it didn’t stop the panic. He never understood why it should be wrong for him to have a crush on another boy, but he knew that it was, and the idea that he might was terrifying.

 

When he got home that afternoon he hurried up to his bedroom, and locked himself in there. Since it was just Anna and Gabriel that evening when they called him down for dinner he refused, feeling too sick to eat.

 

By the time Gabriel gently knocked on the door, and walked in he had his face buried in the pillow crying. With a sigh his older brother walked in, and sat on his bed, putting a hand on his shoulder. Most of the time he was just jokes, and giggles, but when Castiel cried he couldn’t help but become serious.

 

“Cas, what’s wrong,” he asked softly, and Castiel just shook his head, mumbling, “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

 

Gabriel laid down next to Castiel, and poked at his side. “Come on, Cas. I’m gonna keep bugging you until you tell me.”

 

Castiel lifted his head, and glared at his brother, but after a moment he relaxed, dropping his head, and wiping at his eyes. “How do you know when you have a crush on someone,” he asked in a whisper like he was afraid someone else might hear.

 

Gabriel raised his brow. “Is this about Balthazar?”

 

At the question Castiel’s eyes widened in fear, but that seemed to be enough confirmation for his brother. “Cas, it’s okay. I know you have a crush on Balthazar. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

 

“But Mom and Dad-“

 

“Mom and Dad aren’t right about everything, Castiel.”

 

Castiel’s brows drew together, and he sighed. “I don’t wanna go to Hell…”

 

 Gabriel stroked a hand through Castiel’s hair.  “You’re not going to Hell for having a crush on another boy, Cas. You wouldn’t for kissing him either, or loving him, or anything.”

 

“But Father Zachariah-“

 

“Castiel, do you really think God would consider love a sin because of gender?”

 

Castiel hesitated a moment, and then shook his head. “No…”

 

“Exactly,” Gabriel said, “Don’t worry about. So you have a crush on Balthazar. It’s fine.”

 

After a few moments Castiel relaxed, and Gabriel coaxed him into going down for dinner.

 

The next morning when Castiel got to the bus stop, and Balthazar was already waiting he ran up, and gave him up a tight hug. “I missed you,” he mumbled.

 

Balthazar chuckled, and held Castiel tightly. “I missed you too, Cassie,” he said, kissing his friend’s cheek. “Did anyone pick on you?”

 

Castiel hesitated, and shook his head, deciding that it was better that he not mention what Crowley said to him in case it made Balthazar realize he had a crush. He  may have accepted that he did, and that it was okay, but he was sure the feeling wasn’t mutual.

 

Balthazar pulled back to look at Castiel, a suspicious look before seeming to accept it, and nodding. “Good.”

 

They climbed on the bus together, and Balthazar wrapped his arm around Castiel’s shoulder so that he could lean against him, and he knew this couldn’t be  a sin.

 

Chapter 3

 

It was towards the end of eighth grade that things really started getting bad. Castiel’s crush on Balthazar had not subsided one bit, but he would never mentioned it to him, too afraid of what the consequences might be. He could lose his best friend, he could end up humiliated, his parents could find out. There was just too much at risk. But the crush was still there, well and thriving.

Sometimes it was a bit painful because by that point Balthazar had gone through a couple girlfriends, but he always reminded himself that he was the one that was still around. He was the one who Balthazar never left, and even while he was in those relationships they’d still cuddle now and then, and hold hands, and he always got his kisses on the cheek when they left each other. It was little things like that which made it bearable.

But the crush grew into different things the older he got. At first all he wanted was to hold hands more, and cuddle a bit. By sixth grade though he found himself wondering what it would be like if Balthazar kissed him on the lips. By seventh grade he started wondering about making out, and sometime in eighth grade he became more curious about what it would be like if they made out, and touched each other.

Castiel knew that it was a sin to pleasure himself. He’d learned that first from his parents, and later in church, so when he got an erection for one reason or another he generally just ignored it until it went away. Gabriel had told him again that their parents were wrong, but still gave him some helpful tips on making it go away, particularly thinking about gross things.

One morning though, nothing was working. Balthazar had spent the night, not for the first time (though they normally tried to stay at the other’s house), and when he’d woken up in the morning they were cuddled up, Balthazar spooning him, a clothed erection pressed against his ass.

At first Castiel didn’t know what it was, but once he noticed it he gasped, and shifted slightly, but that just made it rub against him, and Balthazar moaned softly in his ear in response to that. The boy bit his lower lip, and squeezed his eyes shut, dick twitching with interest and heat flushed his body.

He tried to move away, but Balthazar just held him more tightly, and he knew it was a lost cause. By the time his friend finally let go and rolled over, Castiel was hard. Even despite his efforts to think of gross or disgusting things, so he got out of bed and hurried to the bathroom to take a shower.

Once in there he tried to continue the method, but all he could think of was how good Balthazar had felt pressed against him like that, and when he reached down to squeeze his cock, wanting the pain to go away, a moan slipped from his lips.

His eyes widened in surprise, and he looked down, experimentally stroking himself. Another moan slipped from his lips. Before he knew it he was rocking into his hand, panting, and groaning, eyes squeezed shut. He pressed his hand to the shower wall, forehead resting over it, and picked up pace, moaning out his friend’s name.

Just as he came, with a startlingly loud cry the bathroom door burst open, and his father stormed in. “What in the Lord’s name are you doing, Castiel?!”

Castiel’s eyes snapped open, and he pulled his hand away, heart hammering in his chest. “N-nothing!”

It was too late though. His dad had pulled back the shower curtain, and saw the mess in his hands. “You wash that filth off, and you get out, and tell your friend to pack his things. He’s going home so that you and I can have a talk.”

With that Castiel’s father left the room, slamming the door shut behind himself and left the young teen trembling, tears stinging in his eyes.

A couple minutes later Castiel walked back into his room, wearing his pajamas, and shaking, still mostly wet. He was too afraid to dry off efficiently, worried that the longer he took the more angry his father would become.

He climbed on the bed and put his hand on Balthazar’s shoulder, shaking him. “Balthy, wake up,” he mumbled, “Gotta wake up, Balthy…”

Balthazar blinked his eyes open, and looked up at Castiel, expression going from tired to concerned in a matter of seconds. “Cassie, what’s wrong,” he asked, propping himself up on his elbows.

“You gotta go,” Castiel mumbled, wiping at his eyes. “I’m in trouble, and you gotta go.”

“Why,” Balthazar asked, reaching out to move Castiel’s hand away, and gently wipe away the tears that were falling, “What happened, love?”

“I…” Castiel swallowed hard, and looked away, cheeks flushed deeply, “My dad caught me…p-pleasuring myself,” he mumbled.

Balthazar cocked a brow. “So…?”

“So it is a sin, Balthazar!”

“No, it’s not, Cassie,” Balthazar said gently, stroking a hand through his hair, and Castiel fell into his arms, sobbing.

“Castiel,” the boy’s father boomed, pounding on the door, “You hurry up in there!”

Castiel flinched and let Balthazar pet him for another moment before he sat up, mumbling, “You should go…”

Once Balthazar was gone Castiel was called down to the living room, and he sat in the middle of the couch,staring at his lap while his father yelled at him, proclaiming that it was disgusting, he was a sinner, that he needed to clean up his act, or he was going straight to Hell. He ordered him to get down on his knees and pray for forgiveness, and after half  an hour of doing just that he was sent to his room.

He assumed that was the end of it, but could not have been more wrong when a week later he was told to pack his things as he was being sent off to a Christian boarding school. 

 

Chapter 4

 

_Dear Balthazar,_

_I suppose it’s not as bad here as I would have expected, but there is a limited number of books I can read, and I miss you dearly. I can’t wait until fall break. I know I won’t be home for very long, but at least we’ll get to see each other._

_I hope things are going well for you. How is it in high school? I suppose we don’t get to do all of those things we intended to since I’m not there with you, but I hope you’ll enjoy it anyway, and do well. Please don’t stop studying. I know you’re much more smart than you give yourself credit for sometimes._

_I’ll look forward to hearing from you again soon. I hope all is well._

_Castiel_

_Dear Cassie,_

_I miss you as well, love. High school is extremely boring without you here. The girls are willing to do more though. ;) Still, I would rather have you with me than them._

_I’ll be sure to have your favourite books when you come home for break, darling. I’m sure you can read them before you even have to go back_

_I’m doing fine in school, don’t hassle me. ;) I can’t wait to have you back. I’ll be counting down the days._

_Love,_

_Balthazar_

Those four years dragged on slowly, but it wasn’t as bad as Castiel had expected. The teachers weren’t always the nicest, and he did have a limited number of things he was allowed to read, but Father Joshua was much kinder to him than Father Zachariah had ever been.

Castiel spent many evenings talking to him, questioning him of the things his parents had called sins, and he quickly learned that not all people Christians thought these things. They were the ways of the old testament, Father Joshua said, and we were in a new world where things were changing, and likely the Lord’s views were changing as well.

It was refreshing to be told by a priest that it wasn’t a sin for him to be in love with Balthazar as he’d realized he was in the 10th grade, and Castiel found that this was what he wanted. There should be more priests in the world like Father Joshua, and he wanted to be one of those. He wanted to show the world that not all Christians were closed minded and cold. That there were the ones that truly love their Father, and all of his creation, so when he graduated from high school at 17, he went home, and told his family that he wanted to become a priest.

-

Naturally Castiel’s parents were thrilled. They thought that obviously they had done some good. They had saved their son from Hell. Castiel decided to let them believe that, since he was still going to be at home for another few months. After that he wouldn’t need them though. He had a full ride to college, and Father Joshua had promised to help in any way he could.

Balthazar, it seemed, couldn’t be any less thrilled. He spent the whole summer trying to talk Castiel out of it, telling him things like he would never get to have sex and his life would be so limited, but Castiel didn’t care. There was only one person he had any interest in having a relationship with, and he had no interest.

Finally his friends gave up, simply supporting him, and allowed him to come over the night of the blow up with his parents (he told them they were bigoted, narrow minded jerks, and they told him he was going to Hell, and would make an awful priest). When it was time to go he drove him to his college campus, and stayed for the weekend before going back home to start his own life. 

 

Chapter 5

 

“Cassie, are you sure this is what you want?”  
  
It wasn’t the first time Balthazar had asked, not even the first time  
that day. Castiel just sighed, and nodded again, “Balthazar, I have had  
years to change my mind.”  
  
It was the day that he was to take his vows, and he’d asked Balthazar to have lunch with him. He couldn’t help feeling nervous, but it was what he wanted. It really was. He wanted to be able to show that not all priests were intolerant, to touch that God truly did love all of his children, and he wanted to help those that he could.  
  
The only other life he’d ever dreamed of having (one with Balthazar, as a lover, not a friend) was far beyond his reach, so this…well, this would do. His friend had more than once tried to use the issue of abstinence to change his mind, but he knew there was no one aside from the man himself that he would ever want to sleep with, so this was  
more of a non-issue.  
  
Balthazar looked at Castiel uncertainly before letting out a sigh. “Alright,” he said, a bit sadly. “Then I’ll support you, but I’ve got no clue how the bloody hell we’re supposed to celebrate after this. I can’t take you to a strip club.”  
  
“You’ve never taken me to a strip club in my life,” Castiel replied evenly.  
  
“That is exactly why you should put this off! My best friend has never been to a strip club. That’s just terrible.”  
  
Castiel sighed. “I’m fairly certain that’s okay.”  
  
Balthazar groaned. “Cassie, you’re gonna die a virgin. You’re gonna end up like Drew Barrymore from Never Been Kissed.”  
  
“I have been kissed,” Castiel said with a roll of his eyes, “I didn’t much enjoy it.”  
  
“That’s because Meg Masters is psychotic,” Balthazar said, as if it were obvious.  
  
Castiel sighed again, and shook his head, though there was a small smile on his lips. He was fairly certain that the reason he’d not liked the kiss wasn’t because of who it was, but who it wasn’t, which led him to the conclusion that he wouldn’t like kissing anyone other  
than Balthazar.  
  
“I’m not changing my mind because of sex, Bal.”  
  
“Oh, you would if I was the one offering,” Balthazar said with a wink and laugh.  
  
Castiel ducked his head, cheeks flushing deeply because yes, yes he actually would. He would give all of this up in a heart beat for Balthazar. That wasn’t what his friend wanted though, so he wouldn’t mention it. Instead he just said, “You think too highly of yourself,  
Balthazar.”  
  
Balthazar grinned, and stepped forward to pull Castiel into a hug. “You love me anyway,” he murmured, chuckling when the other man grudgingly agreed. “Let me know when you come up with a way to celebrate.”  
  
Castiel just hugged Balthazar back, enjoying the feeling of those strong, comforting arms around him. He rested his head against Balthazar’s shoulder, and nodded. “Of course, Bal.”  
  
After a few moments of holding each other tightly Balthazar finally let go, pressing a soft kiss to Castiel’s neck. “Good luck, love,” he murmured, and with a final grin to the other man he headed back to his car, and climbed in, driving way.

Chapter 6

 

It was Castiel’s 27th birthday, his first birthday as a priest, and he’d gone to Balthazar’s house. His family was hardly sure what to get him anymore, given the whole vow of poverty, but it didn’t matter much. His parents hardly talked to him these days, so they just called to wish him a happy birthday. Anna and Gabriel took him out to lunch, and then he had gone to Balthazar’s to have dinner, and watch movies. It wasn’t much, but to Castiel it was perfect.

 

The movie had ended, and the two men were sitting on the couch, drinking sodas, and talking, catching up on each other’s lives. Balthazar had become a realtor, and things were going rather well for him. He’d sold a few houses in the past week. However when it came to his love life things were the same as usual. He slept around, but never settled down. Castiel didn’t know whether to feel relieved, or saddened. He truly believed that Balthazar deserved so much, and couldn’t understand how no one had snatched him up yet.

 

“So how’s the clergy,” Balthazar asked, pulling Castiel out of his thoughts.

 

The priest rested his head on the back of the couch, staring at his friend. “Overall? It’s fine.”

 

“Any weird confessions lately?” Balthazar waggled his eyebrows, elbow on the back of the couch, chin in his hand.

 

“Balthazar, you know I’m not supposed to share those,” Castiel replied evenly.

 

“Oh! That means there _has_ been weird ones,” Balthazar said happily, perking up a bit in interest. “Come on, Cassie. Who’s gonna know?”

 

“God,” Castiel answered with a roll of his eyes.

 

“Oh, I think even God knows that when someone says they won’t tell anyone they mean ‘except my best friend’,” Balthazar said seriously. “It’s a rule, love.”

 

Castiel narrowed his eyes at Balthazar, and then shook his head, shifting slightly on the couch, and lifting his head. “Alright, there’s one…”

 

Balthazar grinned. “Go on…”

 

“The confessions themselves aren’t weird.  They’re just smile things, like telling lies, skipping communion, falling asleep during church. Those sort of things.”

 

Balthazar rolled his eyes. “Those are hardly sins,” he mumbled, “Why’s it weird though?”

 

“Well, as you know, it’s a small church,” Castiel began, “I can’t help that I recognize the voices sometimes, and this one…It’s a man named Dean Winchester. From what I can tell the man isn’t even religious. He only goes to church because he takes his brother. He often seems bored during my sermons, and he _has_ fallen asleep. I just don’t see why he would feel the need to confess these tiny things.”

 

Balthazar cocked a brow at that, and then laughed. “Maybe he just likes to hear your voice.”

 

Castiel furrowed his brow. “What…?”

 

“You’ve got a porno voice, Cassie. I bet he gets off on it.”

 

Blue eyes widened, staring at Balthazar in horror. “I hardly think that’s true, Balthazar,” he said, ducking his head in an attempt to hide the flush of his cheeks. “He sleeps with women.”

 

Balthazar rolled his eyes. “That doesn’t mean anything. I’m sure there’re plenty of guys that’d turn gay for you. Or he might just not be open about liking guys.”

 

“Bal, he is not confessing because he gets aroused by the sound of my voice,” Castiel huffed.

 

“Whatever you say, Cassie…”

 

Eventually Castiel got the topic to veer away from Dean’s confessions, but regardless of how ridiculous the idea was the priest couldn’t get the thought of the man going to confessions just for him out of his head. No one had ever wanted him sexually (except for Meg, but that was just…no), and Dean was…gorgeous, really. It was nice to think that maybe someone so attractive would actually want him. Even if that someone wasn’t Balthazar like he would prefer it to be.

 

Chapter 7

 

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been a week since my last confession.”

 

Once again Castiel sat in the confessional, and heard Dean Winchester’s voice speaking to him. He bit his lower lip, and tried to push Balthazar’s words out of his head. He was ridiculous. He just liked to tease him. That was all. There had to be some reason for the strange confessions Dean kept making.

 

“The Lord offers forgiveness for those who seek it,” Castiel said, voice carefully calm. “Tell me your sins, my child.”

 

There was a moment’s silence, like Dean was hesitating, and that was certainly something unless. Then he spoke, voice equally calm to Castiel’s. “I’ve been having impure thoughts…about another man.”

 

Castiel’s pulse rate kicked up a bit, and he swallowed hard, telling himself that these thoughts were _not_ about him. It was a coincidence. That was all.

 

“This is not a sin,” he said, voice gentle as it always was in these circumstances. He hated to have people think that they were sinning simply by wanting someone of the same gender, and often found teenagers coming to him for counsel about their sexuality. He supposed that was because he was a younger priest, and more open minded.

 

“Even if they’re about a man of the Lord?” The question came without any pause, as if this was the answer that Dean had expected, as if it were somehow planned out, and that thought caused Castiel’s throat to dry almost immediately.

 

“That…It is not a sin for you to have these thoughts,” Castiel said, very carefully choosing his words, “However…to act on them…It would be a sin for the other party involved.”

 

This time there was a pause as if Dean was trying to decide just how he wanted to respond to that. The silence seemed to drag on for hours when in reality it was likely no more than a minute. When the man finally spoke again his voice was not much more than a whisper. “Would it be a sin for me to talk to him about it? To, ah…tell him what I think about when I’m…pleasuring myself, I suppose you would say?”

 

Castiel swallowed so hard that it was likely audible through the small screen between him and Dean, and he closed his eyes, doing his best _not_ to picture the man spread out on his bed, stroking his cock. It was one thing for the priest to masturbate (as he still often found himself doing when he thought about Balthazar a little too much), but a member of the clergy? That seemed too far, and it was certainly too much to have these thoughts while _in_ the church.

 

“It…” He licked his lips, trying to think of the right words to say. “It would be best advised not to do so.”

 

“Why?” Dean’s voice was closer now, as if he might be pressed to the screen, or at least up against the wall, and Castiel felt oddly pulled in that direction, shifting slightly in the uncomfortable seat. “Is it a sin for a priest to get himself off?”

 

Castiel took a deep breath, and let it out as a sigh. “No.”

 

“Do you…do you touch yourself, Father,” Dean asked, voice a little breathier than Castiel would have expected.

 

Another hard swallow. “That isn’t something that I should discuss with a member of my church.”

 

“Why? It’s a natural thing to do, isn’t it, Father?”

 

When it was put that way it sounded far less dirty, far less like something he most definitely shouldn’t be sharing. He chewed on his lower lip, and then nodded, despite the fact that Dean couldn’t see him. “I suppose you’re right,” he said slowly, carefully, “I…Yes, I do.”

 

Dean was quiet again except for his breath, which Castiel could hear far better than was normal in this circumstances, which led him to believe the man was breathing heavy. It was…nerves, that was all. He was just nervous.

 

“I wanna give you something to think about then,” Dean finally said, voice a soft murmured, and Castiel tugged at his collar, which was suddenly too tight in the small, hot space. “Me…bending you over the alter, fucking you so hard, so good, that you scream my name. Or…me between your legs, right where you are, sucking your cock.”

 

Castiel felt his breath shake, cock twitching in his pants at the images put in his head by the words. It should _not_ have been such a sexy thought, but he’d always wondered how it would feel to actually be fucked by someone, and those lips…He could picture them around his dick so easily, and God forgive him, they’d be gorgeous.

 

“Dean…” His voice was meant to be stern, but instead came out a bit choked. “That is not…appropriate.”

 

“I’m not saying I’m gonna do it, Father,” Dean answered, and Castiel could have _swore_ he heard a groan escape his lips, but that was probably just his imagination. “I just want you to think about it tonight…when you’re alone.”

 

Castiel closed his eyes, palming at his dick in an attempt to get growing erection to go down. “Is that all?”

 

“Yeah, I guess so.” There was movement on the other side of the wall. “I should, uh…Probably head out to my car, and finish myself up anyway. I’ll be thinking about you, Father.”

 

Before he had a chance to respond the door opened, and he heard Dean step out. His head his the back wall, and he closed his eyes, tying to collect himself before the next person came in.

 

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been a month since my last confession.”

 

This was going to be a long day.

 

-

 

Castiel spent the rest of the time that he was in the confessional doing his best _not_ to think of the things Dean had said to him, or the implications left when he said he needed to go take care of himself. He absolutely would not picture Dean sitting in the Impala-that he’d seen him in so many times-with his fingers around his cock. Except that he _was_ , and he couldn’t get the picture out of his head no matter how hard he tried.

 

When the last person wrapped up their confession he was ashamed at how relieved he felt. Normally he didn’t mind sitting there for sometimes an hour at a time listening to people, helping them get things off of their chests, and leave, normally, feeling better. It made _him_ feel better just to be helping people. Today though? He couldn’t wait to get out of there.

 

As soon as the person he left he was out of the confessional, and hurrying back to his rectory. He closed, and locked the door behind himself, hoping that nobody would come by, and went up to his room (he couldn’t do this on the couch where he sometimes had members of the clergy sit when they came by) to strip down.

 

This hadn’t been his intention. He’d meant to push the thoughts as far away as he could, and forget all about them, but the frustration just kept building up, and he was already half hard by the time he laid down on his bed.

 

He’d really never thought of anyone specific other than Balthazar when he did this, so it was a bit strange to picture Dean as he stroked himself, squirting some lotion onto his hand to make it go easier. It felt good though, getting himself while thinking about someone who apparently wanted him too (even if Balthazar did pop into his head now and then), and when he came he felt less dirty, less like the awful friend he often felt like after jerking off to thoughts of Balthazar.

 

For awhile after he was done he just laid on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, panting heavily. When he was finally calmed down a bit he cleaned himself off, and went to take a shower, winding down for the night. He cooked dinner, again trying not to think too much about Dean, and ate at his table, naturally thinking about Dean.

 

When he was finally done eating he went out into the living room, and picked up his phone, dialing Balthazar’s number. He tapped his fingers impatiently on the arm of the couch, chewing on his lower lip as he waited impatiently for an answer.

 

“Cassie,” was the enthusiastic greeting he got. “How are you, darling?”

 

Castiel smiled to himself, heart kicking up a bit at the sound of Balthazar’s voice as it nearly always did. “I’m fine. How are you, Balthazar?”

 

“Oh, I’m fantastic,” Balthazar answered, and Castiel could hear the grin in his voice, “Just sold a house. On my way out for drinks to celebrate.”

 

“Oh, would you prefer to call me later,” Castiel asked with a bit of concern.

 

“No, no. I’ve got a few minutes,” Balthazar answered quickly. “What’s troubling you, love?”

 

Of course he knew. He always knew. It was ridiculous how well he could tell when sometimes was bothering Castiel even when they weren’t in the same room.

 

The priest sighed, hesitating a moment before saying, “You were right.”

 

“Of course I was. Now, what was I right about this time?”

 

Castiel rolled his eyes fondly. “Dean.”

 

“Dean…Dean…Oh! Your altar boy.”

 

Castiel huffed. “Dean is not an altar boy. He’s 20-years-old, Balthazar.”

 

“Yes, yes. Well go on then. What’d he have to confess today?”

 

“Um…impure thoughts about…well, me.”

 

At that Balthazar laughed. “Ah, yes. Of course. It seems he’s been leading up to this, doesn’t it?’

 

“Yes…I believe so,” Castiel sighed.

 

“Well what’d you tell the poor bastard, darling?”

 

Castiel furrowed his brow in confusion, wondering why Balthazar thought Dean to be a poor bastard. “That it isn’t a sin for him to have those thoughts, but it would be a sin on my part were they to be acted upon.”

 

“You didn’t say you weren’t interested then?”

 

Castiel looked around the living room, and licked his lips nervously. “I…Well, no.”

 

There was a pause, and then Balthazar gasped. “Oh, Cassie. You naught boy. You _are_ interested, aren’t you?”

 

“What? No! Of course not!”

 

“Oh, you _are_ ,” Balthazar insisted, and then, before Castiel could protest, he continued, “So what are you going to do?”

 

“I’m…Nothing.” What was there to do, really? He’d just have to hope Dean wouldn’t come back now.

 

“Right. Well let me know how that goes,” Balthazar said, somehow managing to make Castiel nervous all over again. “I’m gonna have to let you go now though, darling. I’ve just arrived.”

 

Castiel sighed. “Alright…Congratulations on the house, Bal.”

 

“Thank you! I’ll talk to you soon, Cassie. Mwah!”

 

And with that Balthazar hung up, leaving Castiel’s cheeks flushed as he always did when he threw in that ‘mwah’ at the end of their conversations.

 

He sighed, and played with his phone for a few minutes before grabbing a book, hoping it would take his mind off of both Dean and Balthazar so that he could relax, and hopefully get some sleep that night.

 

Chapter 8

 

 

 

For a few days things went normally. Castiel’s routine was the same as usual, going to church for the time he was meant to, going back to his rectory in the afternoon, cleaning, writing sermons, and reading. It was far from an exciting life, but it was enough to keep Castiel content, and he liked his schedule. He liked that he ate at certain times, showered at certain times, and went to bed at certain times. Balthazar called him an old man for it, but it was nice to know what was going to happen.

 

So when he got home Wednesday afternoon, and there was a voicemail on his home phone he was completely caught off guard. It was rare that he got calls on this phone. Sure, the number was public knowledge, but generally if someone needed something they stopped by while he was at church, and everyone he was close to usually called his cell phone. He frowned, and stood in front of the answering machine, pressing play.

 

“Hey, Padre,” Dean’s voice said, and Castiel closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead. “I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed our chat the other day. It did loads for me. Hope it helped you out too.” He could practically hear the smirk in the man’s voice. “I was thinking that maybe we could have another talk like that. Why don’t you give me a call back? I look forward to hearing from you.”  
 

Castiel groaned as he deleted the message. Yes, he wanted to have another talk like that. It was stupid how badly he wanted to have another talk like that, but he couldn’t. He was priest, and that just…it wasn’t acceptable.

 

He grabbed his cell phone, and dialed Dean’s number, intent on telling him this needed to stop, and made his way into the kitchen to start his lunch while he listened to the ringing on the other end.

 

“Hello?” The voice that answered was so casual, and rough, clearly a bit preoccupied, and Castiel’s knees shook slightly.

 

“Hello, Dean.” Obviously he should have started his speech right there, told Dean that this needed to stop, but his brain was quickly shutting down, replaced by damn hormones.

 

“Oh hey, Padre!” The man sounded so happy, honestly _happy_ to hear from Castiel, and it was absolutely ridiculous. “What’s up?”

 

For a moment Castiel forgot the answer to that question. He was about to say nothing, or something stupid like, the ceiling, birds, trees, the sky, airplanes, you name it. Something clicked on in his brain though, and instead he said, “We need to talk.”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Of course we do,” Dean said, voice as casual and happy sounding as before. “Listen, I’m at work though. I’m just taking a lunch break, and it’s almost over, so why don’t I stop by after work, and we’ll talk? You like burgers?”

 

The way Dean said this all was so quick, and casual, and it caught Castiel off guard, so he found himself saying, “Um…Yes. I love burgers.”

 

“Great! I’ll bring some by around seven then. I gotta go though. See ya later, Padre.”

 

And with that he hung up, leaving Castiel completely confused as to what had just happened.

 

-

 

This was a good idea, Castiel decided. It was smart to have Dean over to discuss this so that it was more private, so that they weren’t discussing his own desires in a _church_. Not that they would be discussing his own desires much, he hoped, but it was still better this way. They didn’t need to be interrupted, or overheard, and this was the best way to keep that from happening.

 

These were the thoughts that had Castiel feeling confident when seven rolled around, and there was a knock at his door.

 

He stood up from his couch, setting his book on the table. He looked down at his gray t-shirt, and blue jeans, fingers running through his hair in an attempt to smooth it down, though he wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t as if he needed to look good for Dean. He didn’t want to _encourage_ the man. He wanted to make him understand why this wasn’t okay.

 

“Hello, Dean,” he said as he opened the door, mouth going dry almost immediately.

 

Dean dressed nicely for church. He often wore the same pair of jeans, and a button up shirt, and he pulled it off very well. This look though was something entirely new. Dark jeans with a small rip in the mid thigh, a Metallica t-shirt, and a blue flannel over it. It seemed that his hair had been done, spiked a bit here and there in a way that was carefully messy. It really wasn’t anything that amazing, but he looked incredible, and he _smelled_ amazing too. There was some kind of cologne there that Castiel hadn’t smelled on him before. Of course, there was also the scent of the burgers in the bag that he was carrying, and that was nearly as intoxicating.

 

“Hey, Padre,” Dean said, flashing a grin, and melting Castiel’s heart as he pushed past him into the living room. “I wasn’t sure what you like on your burgers, so I just got you my favorite, and you cannot tell me these aren’t the best burgers you’ve ever had in your life.”

 

The man made his way into the kitchen, and Castiel trailed behind him with wide, curious eyes. Eyes that landed on the six pack in Dean’s hand after a moment. He stepped into the kitchen, feeling a bit as if it wasn’t his own house as Dean started pulling things out.

 

He cracked open a beer, and set it down on the table before picking up at second. Pausing, he looked up at Castiel. “Are priests allowed to drink, or is that one of those weird things you take vows against?”

 

“I can have a little bit of alcohol,” Castiel said quietly. “I…don’t often.”

 

“Well, uh…this is pretty low alcohol content,” Dean said with a little frown, as he shifted, still holding the bottle, but not opening it. “Sorry. I should’ve asked before.”

 

Castiel shook his head quickly. “No, it’s fine. I enjoy a beer now and then.”

 

Almost instantly Dean’s grin was back, and he opened the beer, setting it down in front of the burger he’d placed on the table. “Well are you gonna come eat with me, or are you just gonna stand there all night, Padre?”

 

Castiel’s cheeks flushed slightly, and he walked over, taking the seat next to Dean. “You can call me Castiel,” he said, slowly lifting the beer to his lips, and sipping it.

 

“Castiel, huh?” Dean sipped his beer as well, and Castiel tried not to stare at his lips as they wrapped around the bottle. “Castiel Novak…Interesting.”

 

“I’m name after the angel of Thursday,” he said quietly, picking up his burger, and taking a bite.

 

“Oh yeah? “ Dean cocked a brow in interest as he took a bite of his burger.  “That’s better than me. M’named after my _grandma_. Deanna” He shook his head as if in disbelief. “At least Sammy got to be named after the guy. You’d think I would’ve, being the oldest.”

 

Castiel’s lips twitched up a little bit. “I think it’s creative. Most people don’t think about that sort of thing. They simply name their kid after someone of their own gender. Your parents had to think more for your name.”

 

Dean hesitated a moment, and then nodded. “Guess you got a point there,” he said with a little grin, and bit into his burger again.

 

After that they fell into a comfortable silence, sipping their beers, and eating their food, eyes flicking to each other now and then. It was nice, Castiel decided, having the company of someone other than Balthazar. Not that he minded Balthazar’s company, of course. He always welcomed it, but it was nice that someone else wanted to be around him as well.

 

As Castiel shoved the last bite in his mouth he crumbled up the wrapping from the burger, and tossed it in the bag that it had come from, leaning back in his seat, and accepting the second beer Dean handed him, sipping it slowly.

 

“You were right. That was wonderful,” he said, looking at Dean with a little smile.

 

“’Course I was,” Dean answered easily, taking a large swig before reaching in the bag, and pulling out two slices of pie along with plastic forks for them. He slid one to Castiel, and opened his own. “And this is some of the best pie around.”

 

Castiel shook his head in amusement, and took his fork, carefully cutting off a bite of his pie. He waited until he’d swallowed, and looked at the other man. “Thank you, Dean. This is all very good.”

 

Dean just grinned back at him. “No problem, Cas.”

 

He tilted his head to the side, curious at the nickname, and decided that he actually quite liked it. Once more they fell into silence, and when they’d finished their pie Dean threw everything away, including three empty beer bottles. He cracked open his third, and carried it, and Castiel’s out into the living room where they sat down on the couch.

Castiel rested his unopened beer against the back of the couch, and sipped the other slowly, staring into Dean’s eyes for a long time without saying anything. He wasn’t sure how long it went on, but when he finally spoke it wasn’t the words he’d meant to say.

 

“How was work,” he asked instead of “About your message…”

 

Dean smiled a little, a soft expression in comparison to that usual big grin that he’d been giving Castiel most of the night. They were both truly beautiful, but something about this one felt more personal.

 

“Work was pretty good. Someone brought in a classic that they want completely restored, so I’m gonna be working on that as a bit of a side project.” The idea seemed to have brightened his eyes a bit, and Castiel liked that. He liked the passion there. He’d known that Dean was a mechanic, but it was clearer when he spoke of it just how much he loved his job. “What about you? How was your day?”

 

A hint of a smile formed on Castiel’s lips at the question. It wasn’t one he was asked often. Balthazar tended to ask variations of the question when they talked, but this was different. “It was nice,” he answered, finishing off his beer, and accepting when Dean handed him a newly opened one. “Not many people came in today, so there wasn’t much to do aside from cleaning the things at the altar. Then I came back here, and got your message…” He trailed off after the last bit, suddenly remembering that he had a job to do.

 

“Yeah, about that message,” Dean murmured, suddenly much closer than he had been a moment ago. Castiel swallowed hard, and tried to move back a bit, but he was already pressed to the arm of the couch. “Was our chat helpful, Father?”

 

“C-Castiel,” the priest corrected, thinking it would be better that Dean keep his title out of this.

 

“Yeah…Yeah, right. Was it helpful, Castiel?”

 

Yeah, that really wasn’t better. Somehow Dean managed to make his name sound like one of the sexiest things ever.

 

“It, uh…” Castiel’s cheeks flushed, and he looked away, trying to focus  on something other than the warmth of Dean pressed up close to him, so that their knees were touching.

 

“Oh, come on, Cas,” he whispered, voice too close to his ear, breath against his neck. “It’s just the two of us. You can tell me. _Please_ tell me.”

 

Castiel swallowed hard again, and hesitated a moment before giving a little nod. “Y-yes,” he mumbled, looking at his lap, voice full of guilt. “It…Yes, it was…extremely helpful.”

 

“Let me be more helpful,” Dean whispered, lips brushing against Castiel’s ear as he spoke.

 

Castiel shook his head, knowing as he did that it was a weak movement, but what was weaker was his voice as he tried to protest. “No. Dean, you…I can’t.”

 

“Can’t, or don’t want to,” Dean asked, voice still low as he brought his hand to rest on Castiel’s thigh.

 

Castiel’s eyes slipped closed, and he bit his lower lip hard. “Can’t,” he whispered.

 

That seemed to be the answer Dean was looking for because he slowly pushed his hand further up Castiel’s thigh, gently rubbing just an inch away from his crotch. “It’s okay to want to, Cas. I won’t tell anyone.”

 

“N-no one has to _tell_ God that I’m…mmh…breaking my vows to Him.”

 

Dean leaned in more, lips brushing against Castiel’s neck lightly. “You think God really cares, or is this just some vows the church wants to you to take because they’re afraid of sex, of their own desires. Come on, Cas. What do you desire? Is it really that bad?”

 

Castiel whined softly, instinctively tilting his head back to expose more of his neck. “Dean,” he breathed. It was meant to be a protest. There were supposed to be more words to go along with it, an argument, but they didn’t come out, and Dean’s hand was creeping up further, rubbing _too light_ over Castiel’s crotch.

 

“What do you desire, Cas?” Dean’s tongue flicked out, running over the patch of skin behind Castiel’s ear, and he whimpered again.

 

“You.”

 

The word slipped past Castiel’s lips before he could even try to stop it, and fuck, but it was true. Dean wasn’t the only thing that Castiel desired, wasn’t the only person, but he most definitely _did_ desire him.

 

As if in reward for that honest answer Dean pressed his hand against Castiel’s crotch, palming him more firmly, and the priest _whimpered_ , eyes screwing tightly shut, fingers too tight around his beer bottle. So this was what it felt like to be touched by a hand that wasn’t his own, and now that Castiel had it he didn’t understand how he’d thought he could spend the rest of his life in abstinence.

 

Dean pulled the beer from Castiel’s hand, and pressed his lips to the man’s neck once again, dragging them down his skin as he continued to palm him through his jeans, free arm around the back of the couch,

 

There was a moment’s hesitation, and then Castiel tangled his fingers in Dean’s shirt, head falling back against his arm as he let out a moan of, “Dean”.

 

Dean groaned at that, and squeezed Castiel’s cock, causing him to moan again, a shiver rolling down his spine. And then, in an instant there were lips on his. Now Castiel had been kissed, but only once, and it had been…different than this. Meg had caught Castiel off guard, scared him, and made him feel that he needed to give back. Dean wasn’t even rough about it. It was actually slow, and a bit sweet, deepening at a pace that gave Castiel the chance to back away. He didn’t though. He just kissed Dean back, sliding a hand up to tangle in the other man’s hair.

 

Castiel felt fingers working to unbutton and unzip his jeans, and there was a small part of his brain trying to remind him that this wasn’t allowed, that he wasn’t supposed to this. That part was drown out by the feeling of Dean’s lips on his neck though, by those teeth scraping against his skin, and by those calloused fingers wrapping around his cock as they slipped into his boxers.

 

“ _Dean,_ ” Castiel moaned, hips raising off the couch, head tilting back more, breathe coming heavier. He tugged at Dean’s hair, and was rewarded with a growl and a bite to his neck.

 

“Fuck,” Dean muttered, pulling his hand from Castiel’s pants, and making him whimper. “Sh…Sh, I got you.” He grabbed the priest’s hips, and pulled him so that he leaning against the arm of the couch, legs on the cushions as he started to the his pants and boxers down.

 

Castiel raised his hips to help Dean get his pants down to his mid thighs as he reached forward, fumbling to get the man’s pants undone. He could see that he was incredibly hard, and fuck if he didn’t want to help out a bit there.

 

Seconds later both of them had their pants down just enough that their cocks were out, and Dean slipped between his legs, fingers wrapping around both of their dicks so that he could stroke them together.

 

Castiel gasped, and bucked his hips up, moaning as his cock slid along Dean’s. “Fuck,” he panted, griping the man’s shoulders, fingers digging into his skin.

 

“You like that,” Dean asked, voice breathy in his ear before he nipped at his lobe, and Castiel nodded enthusiastically.

 

“It’s good,” he moaned, voice breathy. “It’s so good. Dean, don’t…don’t s-stop.”

 

Dean rubbed his thumb over their slits, collecting the precome there, and using it as lubrication, slicking the way as he thrust into his hand, and stroked them both, cock dragging along Castiel’s.

 

Castiel panted, and moaned, hips rocking up steadily as Dean’ s rock down, their cocks sliding together in a way that created perfect friction. The men exchanged wet, uncoordinated kisses, lips dragged across both of their necks. Castiel was sure Dean would have scratch marks on his back, and that he would have a bruise on his hip in the shape of the other man’s fingers. None of that was enough to bother Castiel though because fuck, he’d never felt something this good before. His own hand was no comparison for this.

 

It didn’t take a lot more. It was almost embarrassing how quickly Castiel was tensing up, digging his fingernails hard into the small of Dean’s back, and coming hard with a long moan of Dean’s name. Apparently though his own orgasm helped spur on the other man’s, and just seconds later Dean was spilling over his own fist, groaning lowly against Castiel’s neck.

 

For a moment they just laid there panting heavily, hands moving slowly over each other’s bodies, and then they were kissing again, tongues moving together, lips catching between teeth, fingers brushing through each other’s hair.

 

After a long while Dean finally pulled back, and sat up, Castiel’s hands moving over him, and lingering before finally letting go. He sighed, and stared up, the high from his orgasm still making him feel incredible.

 

“Where’s your bathroom,” Dean asked softly, and Castiel pointed to the stairs, mumbling, “First door on the left.”

 

Dean nodded, and stood up, heading up the stairs, and leaving Castiel to stair up at the ceiling, and thinking. Not such a great thing. He’d just let another man give him an orgasm. A man who was a member of his clergy. His _clergy_. He just broke one of his vows.

 

By the time Dean came back downstairs he was in full panic mode. He stared at the ceiling with wide eyes while a gentle hand washed him off with a warm wash cloth, and tucked him away, fixing his pants. Then he was up, staring at Dean with shock, and panic clear in his eyes.

 

“Wow,” Dean said, looking at Castiel with clear concern. “What’s wrong? What’s goin’ on?”

 

Castiel shook his head. “You need to go. You need to-“ He cut off, and swallowed hard, forcing himself to stand straight. “This was a mistake.”

 

Dean’s brows shot up. “Are you serious…?”

 

Castiel gave a short nod. “I shouldn’t have let this happen. I apologize.”

 

Dean stared incredulously, and then shook his head, sighing. “Yeah, okay,” he muttered, looking at the floor. He shook his head again, and walked over to the door. “Later, Padre,” he said before stepping out.

 

Chapter 9

 

For a long while Castiel just sat on his couch, staring at the door Dean had walked out of. He felt so many different things all at once. Guilt for breaking his vows, confusion for why Dean had seemed so upset, more guilt for being the cause of that, pleasure that someone had wanted him, even more guilt for said pleasure. It was all a big cluster fuck of too many emotions, and eventually, when tears had started falling he did the only thing he could think to do. He called his best friend.

 

“Cassie?” Balthazar’s voice was sleepy, and Castiel could tell that he hadn’t gone to bed yet, but was on his way there.

 

“Bal,” he choked out, and bit his lower lip, closing his eyes. “I know it’s later. I’m sorry. C-can we talk for a minute? I just need…I need you.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, of course,” Balthazar said, sounding more alert now, and Castiel pictured him sitting up straight. “What’s wrong, my dear?”

 

Castiel let out a shaky breath, trying to let the sound of Balthazar’s voice soothe him like it almost always did. “I broke my vows,” he whispered, voice choked.

 

There was silence for a long moment, and Castiel looked at him phone to make sure he hadn’t lost the call. He was just about to say Balthazar’s name when he spoke again. “Wh-which ones?”

 

Castiel chewed on his lower lip, squeezing his eyes tightly shut as guilt twisted in his gut. “Abstinence.”

 

Another long, drawn out silence. “With Dean?”

 

“Yes,” Castiel whispered, and before Balthazar could say anything else he went on, beginning to cry. “Bal, what am I gonna do? I sent him away. I told him it was a mistake, and I apologized, so it won’t happen again, but what am I supposed to do? I broke my vow! How can I continue to preach to these people when I’m a sinner.”

 

“Woah, woah, woah! Cassie, calm down. Calm down, okay? Can you take a deep breath for me?”

 

Castiel squeezed his eyes tightly shut, and forced himself to breath in deeply, letting it out slow.

 

“Good,” Balthazar said softly. “That’s good. Now you just sit tight, okay? Clean. Read a book. _Don’t_ think. Can you do that for me, Cassie? Just wait for 20 minutes, and I’ll be there?”

 

“Yeah, I can do that,” Castiel agreed with a soft sigh.

 

“I’ll be there as soon as I can, love,” Balthazar murmured, and then hung up.

 

-

 

Castiel moved around his house, finding little things to do to keep himself distracted as he waited for Balthazar to get there. Eventually he ended up cleaning the kitchen, top to bottom, though it was already mostly clean. He was just finishing up mipping when he heard the door open, and close.

 

“Cassie?”

 

“Don’t come in here! I just finished mopping.”

 

Balthazar appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, expression mixed with amusement, and concern as he watched Castiel wipe his brow, and put the mop back in the bucket.

 

“You really should lock your door at night. I don’t trust the people around here.”

 

“I usually do,” Castiel said, “I forgot to lock it after Dean left tonight though…”

 

He sighed, and walked over to Balthazar who immediately pulled him into a hug, fingers brushing through his hair. Castiel’s arms wrapped tightly around his friend, and he pressed his head to the man’s chest, seeking his comfort.

 

“How did this even happen, Cassie?” His voice was quiet, and there was some emotion in it that Castiel took to be disappointment.

 

“H-he came over, and I thought we were going to talk about the other night, and why that need t-to not happen again…”He pressed his face into Balthazar’s neck, and closed his eyes. “But he brought burgers, and beer, and then were talking, and…I don’t know. The next thing I knew our pants were down, and he was…touching us together.”

 

There was silence for a moment, and then Balthazar laughed. Castiel pulled back, scowling. “What’s funny?”

 

“If I’d known burgers and beer is what it took to seduce you I would’ve done it a long time ago.”

 

Castiel huffed, and smacked Balthazar’s arm lightly.

 

“What? I’ve been trying just burgers this whole time. I can’t believe a guy who barely knows you outdid me!”

 

Castiel flushed, and found himself laugh. “Oh, be quiet.”

 

Balthazar grinned, and grabbed Castiel’s hand, tugging him into the living room. “Got you to laugh.” The priest just rolled his eyes, and was pulled onto the couch, and into his friend’s arms. “You had your first sexual experience tonight. Someone ought to cuddle with you.”

 

“I don’t deserve that,” Castiel sighed, but snuggled in closer, arms wrapping around Balthazar, head resting on his chest. He could never turn down cuddling with this man, whether he deserved it or not.

 

“You deserve everything,” Balthazar whispered, hand stroking gently down Castiel’s back, making him sigh in pleasure.

 

“You’re too good to me,” Castiel mumbled, eyes slipping closed. “You always have been.”

 

“I’m not,” Balthazar disagreed. “You’re wonderful, Cassie. You truly deserve the best.”

 

“I love you, Bal,” Castiel said gently, knowing that Balthazar would think it was platonic.

 

“I love you too, darling.”

 

After that they fell silent, Balthazar still stroking Castiel’s back as the latter absently traced patterns on his chest. It wasn’t long before they were both asleep, tangled up together on the couch.

 

-

 

Balthazar woke the next morning with Castiel’s head on his chest, their arms wrapped around each other. He sighed softly, and stared down at his best friend, fingers brushing through his dark, untamed hair.

 

Castiel really was beautiful like this. Then again, he was always beautiful. He had been since second grade. That was the whole reason Balthazar had decided he should talk to the boy. His parents had always told him if he ever saw someone that beautiful he should talk to them to see if their personality was as beautiful. There was no doubt that Castiel’s was. He was truly the most beautiful person- inside and out- that Balthazar had ever met.

 

“Oh, Cassie,” he sighed, and his friend shifted slightly, but otherwise didn’t respond.

 

His hand ran slowly down Castiel’s back as it had the night before, and he closed his eyes briefly. He needed to get a handle on his emotions before his friend woke, couldn’t let him see the way what he’d been told last night had effected him. The last thing that Castiel needed was his best friend’s jealous. But why did it have to be with this Dean guy, who just seduced Castiel with dirty confessions, a meal that just happened to be the priest’s favorite? Balthazar would have intentionally done it. He would have given him a proper date, and done it all right…

 

With another sigh he gently began untangling himself from his friend’s arms, and climbed off the couch.

 

Castiel made a soft noise of protest, mumbling, “Balthy,” and Balthazar kissed his cheek. “Sh,” he whispered. “Sleep, darling.’

 

His heart ached as he watched Castiel settle back down the way he only did when it was Balthazar talking to him in his sleep, and he headed out to the kitchen to make breakfast.

 

-

 

Castiel woke to the smell of pancakes, and bacon. He groaned softly, and stood up, rubbing his eyes as he walked into the kitchen with messy hair.

 

“Good morning, darling,” Balthazar said bright, and Castiel groaned again, sitting down at the table, head resting o it. “Cassie, I will never understand how you wake up so early for work everyday.”

 

Castiel huffed. “With several alarm clocks, and plenty of coffee.”

 

“Aw, yes. Speaking of coffee…” Balthazar poured a cup, and brought it to Castiel, setting it in front of him.

 

Castiel looked up at Balthazar with wide eyes like he was God-sent. “Thank you.”

 

Balthazar just chuckled, and kissed Castiel’s forehead before making his way back to the stove. “So coffee is what keeps you from being grumpy at church?”

 

With a sigh, and a sip of coffee Castiel shook his head. “Helping people keep me from being grumpy,” he said, and after a moment added, “Coffee helps.”

 

Balthazar laughed. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Not completely perfect, hm?”

 

“I’m a priest, Balthazar, not a saint,” Castiel said with a roll of his eyes.

 

“But you’re named after an angel,” Balthazar protested, beginning to fix their plates. “Do angels hate mornings?”

 

“The angel of Thursday does,” Castiel said. “Really. It’s in the bible.”

 

“Isn’t it a sin to lie about what’s in the bible, Castiel?”

 

The priest just stuck his tongue out, and Balthazar laughed, bringing his plate over. “Okay, okay. The angel of Thursday hates mornings.”

 

Castiel raised his chin smugly, and reached out to gently touch Balthazar’s arm. “Thank you,” he said softly.

 

Balthazar smiled, and pressed a soft kiss to Castiel’s forehead. “You’re welcome, darling.” He grabbed the coffee pot, and refilled Castiel’s mug, musing, “You’re not usually very grumpy with _me_ n the morning. Why is that?”

 

“I enjoy staring my day with you,” Castiel said with a flush.

 

“I’m your coffee?”

 

“Decaf.”

 

 Balthazar laughed. “What does that mean?”

 

“You make me happy, but not any less tired.”

 

With a fond shake of his head Balthazar sat down across from Castiel. “I’m glad I make you happy, Cassie. Now eat up so you can get ready.”

 

Castiel sighed. Right. He had to work today. He’d nearly forgotten about that. It certainly wasn’t something he was looking forward to.

 

The pancakes were great, really. Balthazar knew how to cook. Still, Castiel found himself just picking at his food, eating incredibly slow.

 

After a couple minute of just staring at him with a little frown Balthazar finally spoke. “Alright, Cassie. You look like a kid who’s trying to get out of going to school. What’s wrong?”

 

Castiel looked up, eyes wide and seemingly confused. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he lied. He knew perfectly well. He just didn’t want to deal with it.

 

Balthazar cocked a brow, giving Castiel a look that said h wasn’t buying his shit. “Is it about Dean?”

 

Eyes widening Castiel shook his head a bit too quickly, and then sighed. “What if he comes to the church today?”

 

Balthazar sighed. “What if he does?”

 

“What do I do?!”

 

“Well you certainly don’t blow him in the pews. I do not want to bail you out of jail.”

 

“Balthazar!”

 

“What? I’m concerned about your future. You’d be labeled a sex offender.”

 

Castiel groaned, and pressed his face into his hands. “You are no help.”

 

Balthazar sighed again, and took the dishes to the sink once it was clear Castiel wasn’t going to eat anymore. “I don’t know what to say, Cassie. What do you want?”

 

Brows drawn together Castiel looked up in confusion. “What do I want? What is that supposed to mean?”

 

Balthazar rolled his eyes. “Do you want to see this man again? Maybe have him over more?”

 

“Balthazar! I can’t do that! My vows!”

 

“Castiel, I did not ask what you can and cannot do. I ask what you want,’ Balthazar said, tone serious, almost scolding.

 

Castiel look down, and chewed on his lower lip, not answering.

 

“If there were no rules in the way,” Balthazar said more softly, “If you could be with him however you wanted, and the church, and God didn’t care, would you want to do that with him again? Would you want to have him over, and maybe sleep with him?”

 

Castiel thought about all of that, and shook his head, sniffling a bit. “No…”

 

“Why not?” The question clearly wasn’t trying to persuade him one way or the other, just trying to make Castiel think more.

 

“Because I don’t love him,” Castiel whispered.

 

“Cassie,” Balthazar sighed. “Okay…Would you date him, and give yourself the opportunity to fall in love with him?”

 

“No.”

 

“Why not?”

 

Castiel finally looked up, meeting Balthazar’s eye. “Would you want someone to date you knowing that they were in love with someone else? That you would always be a second choice no matter how happy you were together?”

 

Balthazar blinked slowly, and stared at Castiel even as the priest looked away. “Cassie…? What are you saying?”

 

“I need to get ready,” Castiel said, shaking his head, and pushing himself to his feet. Why had he said that? He was so stupid sometimes.

 

Balthazar reached out, and grabbed Castiel’s arm, stopping him, though the man still refused to look at him.

 

“Balthazar, I don’t wanna talk about it…”

 

“Cassie…”

 

“Bal, please!” Castiel finally looked up to meet Balthazar’s gaze again, and there were tears in his eyes. “I can’t…”

 

Balthazar reached up to gently touch Castiel’s face, and swallowed hard when he flinched away from the touch. “I-is it me…?”

 

Castiel looked away, staring at the floor, provided no answered, though he was sure that was answer enough. His heart pounded as he waited for Balthazar to tell him that he was sorry he couldn’t return those feeling, to crush his heart, and leave awkwardly.

 

What he didn’t expect was for his friend to tilt his chin up, and lean in, kissing him gently. He gasped in surprise, and stood stock still for a few moments before slowly pressing into the kiss, and bringing a hand up to rest on Balthazar’s neck.

 

It was so different from kissing Meg and Dean. The latter had really been an incredible kisser, but this was _Balthazar_ , and as that tongue slid into his mouth he felt his knees shake, heart going a mile a minute. His lips, his tongue, his hands…It all felt incredible, and by the time the kiss was broken he was panting softly.

 

“Castiel, I love you,” Balthazar whispered. “I’ve loved you since we were kids.”

 

Castiel stared up at Balthazar with wide eyes. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?!”

 

“I was an idiot! Why didn’t _you_ ever tell _me_?”

 

“With my childhood?” Castiel’s brows shot up. “I was terrified.” He paused, and stared at Balthazar for a long moment before pushing him against the counter, and kissing him almost desperately. It was a bit sloppy, and uncoordinated, but Balthazar didn’t seem to mind, arms just wrapping around Castiel’s waist as he kissed him back.

 

“Bal,” he breathed when he finally pulled back, forehead resting against the other man’s. “Bal, what do I do?”

 

“What do you want?” Balthazar whispered, staring into Castiel’s eyes.

 

Castiel pressed in closer, arms wrapping around Balthazar’s middle. “You.”

 

Balthazar smiled softly at that. “And your job?”

 

“I want you…”

 

“Love, I can’t…” Balthazar sighed softly. “I love you, but I won’t be able to deal with having to hide…”

 

Castiel swallowed hard. “I’ll…I’ll give up my vows. I’ll go back to college, and finish, and…I could be a teacher like I always wanted to be before.”

 

“Is that what you want? Because I don’t want to push you into something that will make you unhappy, darling.”

 

Castiel frowned. “Balthazar Roche, I said that I want you, and I’ve already broken my vows. Stop it.”

 

Balthazar raised his brows, but didn’t protest anymore.

 

“I’ll call and see if I can stay with Anna or Gabriel for awhile.” Castiel glanced at the clock, and groaned in annoyance. “I need to leave…”

 

“Let me take you out tonight. You deserve a proper date.”

 

Castiel flushed, and nodded. “I’ll need to talk to Father Zachariah before I come back.”

 

“I’ll pick you up at five then.”

 

Castiel nodded, and leaned in, kissing Balthazar deeply before he hurried upstairs to get dressed.

 

-

 

Castiel stared in the mirror, attempting to fix his unruly hair. He was dressed in a pair of black slacks, and a white button up. A blue tie hung around his neck, but he couldn’t get it tied right no matter how hard he tried. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d worn one of these.

 

This was just awful. His first date with Balthazar was in five minute, and he couldn’t get his hair to cooperate or his tie to tie properly. He groaned in annoyance, and when he heard a knock on the door he cursed.

 

Hurrying down the steps with his tie hand around his neck he opened the door. And froze.

 

Balthazar stood there in nice jeans, and a black button up shirt, a bouquet of roses in his hand, looking absolutely gorgeous.

 

“I-“ Castiel swallowed, and looked him over slowly, suddenly incredibly nervous.

 

“Hello, darling,” Balthazar said softly, holding out the roses. “These are for you. You look lovely.”

 

Cheeks flushed Castiel took the roses. “Thank you,” he said quietly. “You look…amazing.” His flushed deepened, and he ducked his head. “Let me put these in some water, and then we can go.”

 

Balthazar stepped in behind Castiel, and wrung his hands together as Castiel hurried to the kitchen to grab a vase.

 

“These are beautiful, Bal,” Castiel said as he brought the vase out, and set it on the coffee table, placing the roses in it.

 

“Almost as beautiful as you,” Balthazar answered, causing Castiel to blush again.

 

“L-let’s go,” he said, hurrying towards the door, but Balthazar stopped him. “What…?”

 

“Your tie, darling.”

 

Castiel looked down at his tie, and made an embarrassed noise. Before he could do anything Balthazar’s fingers were working expertly to tie it. He stared down, trying to pay attention to how he did it, but was a little distracted by his hands. Hands that were now curling around the tie, and pulling him in to-Oh!

 

He melted into the kiss immediately this time, arms snaking around Balthazar’s neck as one arm slid around his own waist. It was less startling this time, though his legs still shook, and it felt much easier to reciprocate.

 

When the kiss finally ended his breath was shaking, and he looked up. “Thank you.”

 

“For kissing you? It was my pleasure.”

 

“I was actually talking about the tie.”

 

“Oh, well that that was my pleasure too.”

 

Castiel stared at Balthazar for a long moment, and then laughed, grabbing his hand, and tugging him out the door, locking it behind himself. Balthazar opened the car door, and Castiel slipped in, commenting on what a gentleman he was.

 

“So, how did your day go?” Balthazar asked as he started the car, and pulled onto the road.

 

“Well…I was excommunicated from the Catholic Church,” Castiel said with a soft sigh.

 

Balthazar looked over, and frowned. “You mean you can’t go to church anymore?”

 

“Not a Catholic one where the know who I am.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Cassie,” Balthazar whispered.

 

“It will be fine,” Castiel assured. “Also, I’ll be staying with Gabriel.”

 

Balthazar brightened slightly at that. “Really? That’s wonderful, darling. What did he have to say about us.”

 

Castiel ducked his head. “I knew it. His exact words. Anna said congratulations, and seemed rather happy.”

 

Balthazar just laughed. “That sounds like them.”

 

Castiel smiled, and nodded. “So where are we going?”

 

Balthazar looked over at Castiel. “You’re not opposed to having burgers two nights in a row, are you?” Castiel quickly shook his head, and Balthazar laughed. “Then we’re going to our favorite place.”

 

-

 

Not too long later they pulled up to a slightly classy establishment that Castiel and Balthazar had decided served the best burgers in the world. They sat across from each other, and for once (much to Castiel’s relief) Balthazar didn’t flirt with their waitress. They just ordered their burgers, and a bottle of wine, holding hands over the table.

 

It was actually surprising how easy this was. Not a whole lot seemed different except the way they looked at each other and touch. This was absolutely perfect.

 

Dinner went by quickly with talking, laughter, and a bit of kissing. Every time Balthazar kissed Castiel’s hand the former priest’s cheeks flushed, and he smiled, making Balthazar grin.

 

They held hands on the drive home, and Castiel leaned contently against the window. When they got back to the rectory Balthazar walked him to the door, and kissed him softly.

 

“Stay the night,” Castiel whispered against his lips.

 

Balthazar kissed Castiel again, and gave a little nod. “Okay, darling, but…No sex, or anything, alright? I wanna take it slow, and do this right with you.”

 

Castiel swallowed, and nodded before tugging Balthazar  inside, and up to his room. Once they were stripped down to their boxers the men climbed into bed together. They held each other close, and just for kissed for awhile before Balthazar pressed his lips to Castiel’s forehead.

 

“Sleep, love,” he whispered. “Tomorrow’s a busy day.”

 

He was right. Tomorrow Castiel would have to pack up his things, and go to his brother’s. Then it would be time to get started on his new life, but everything would be more than okay, because he had Balthazar.

 

Epilogue

 

Castiel sat in Balthazar’s lap at the bar of a local diner, the man’s arms wrapped around his waist as they talked to Jo, their favorite waitress.

 

He’d never thought he would be one for public displays of affection, but then again there was quite a few surprises he’d had about himself since his relationship with Balthazar began. Apparently he was as possessive as he was trusting of his fiancé (which was to say, a lot). He’d also learned that he and Balthazar fought a bit more as a couple, but the fights made more sense because they weren’t keeping things (like their feelings) from each other, and they always worked it out. And the surprise of all surprises was that he actually rather ‘kinky’-as Balthazar called him-despite all his blushing shyness.

 

“Cassie, you’re gonna need to move so we can eat,” Balthazar chuckled, and kissed Castiel’s cheek when he pouted.

 

He climbed out of Balthazar’s lap, and was just about to sit down when the door opened. His eyes flicked over, and he watched a young man walk in followed by… “Dean?”

 

Balthazar looked up, and followed Balthazar’s gaze, watching Dean kiss the other man softly, and pull his chair out for him.

 

“Which one’s Dean?” Balthazar said quietly.

 

“The one standing up,” Castiel whispered. “I don’t know who the other one is…’ He looked up at Balthazar. “I wanna go say hi.”

 

Balthazar hesitated a moment, and then kissed Castiel quickly. “Okay.”

 

With a quick smile Castiel stood up, and headed over toward Dean. At the same time Dean started heading in his direction, and his eyes widened as he stopped in his tracks.

 

“Father Novak?”

 

Castiel’s lips twitched up into a small smile. “I can’t remember the last time someone called me that, Dean. It’s _Mr_. Novak now, but usually just to my students.”

 

Dean nodded slowly. “Right. I…I forgot you left. Um…” He shifted uncomfortably. ‘Look, I’m sorry about…about everything I did. It was…it was wrong. I…guess I though more with the wrong head back then.”

 

Castiel just smiled softly at that, and pointed to Balthazar. “I have been dating that man for two years, and we’re engaged now,” he said softly. “We wouldn’t have admitted our feelings for each other if it hadn’t been for you.”

 

Dean chuckled at that, and nodded, ducking his head before nodding over at the man he’d come in with. “That’s Samandriel. We met the night that all happened. He, uh…saw me slam my door, and then sit there, and got concerned,” Dean said with a nervous laugh. “We became friends, and then…” His grinned a little, looking over at Samandriel with obvious affection in his eyes.

 

“I can’t say I feel guilty for upsetting you then,” Castiel said with a hint of amusement.

 

Dean just laugh, and shook his head. “Glad it worked out for us, huh?”

 

Castiel smiled, and nodded. After a couple more minutes of talking he went back to Balthazar, and pecked his lips before sitting down to eat, completely content. Dean had found someone who made him happy. He had his job, Balthazar, and the home they shared. Things were genuinely good.

 


End file.
